The Woods

deep in the woods

Hollis was a rabbit. For the most part, he was just like any other rabbit deep in the woods, except perhaps that at four he was considerably older than most of the other rabbits. Hollis always contributed this most important difference between himself and the other rabbits to the fact that he was always able to get along rather well with all of the other animals in the woods. None of the other beasts would ever consider devouring someone whom they considered such good conversation during those long, lonely nights at the juniper patch. Whether it was Doric the wolf, Terry the snake, Wallace the stray dog, or Bernadine the bear, no one could imagine harming a single hair of the hare's head.

This blessing, however, did not include Hollis' long-time mate, Gertrude, whom Doric ate one night while suffering from the drunken munchies late one evening. Certainly Doric tried desperately to apologize to Hollis on many occasions, insisting that it was nothing personal, but Hollis could never look at Doric quite the same way again.

Ever since that night, in fact, Hollis had become known for spending perhaps too much time in the juniper patch, and had lately been seen eating questionable foliage. He often wandered the woods alone at night (hardly appropriate for an loder, slower rabbit), and would often be seen weeping without pause.

For this, too, most of the other animals sympathized with Hollis, further cementing his reputation as an uneatable comrade. The fact that Hollis continued on each day despite his age and the continual abuse he laid upon his body brought about him endless respect. To everyone in the forest, Hollis was one hard-assed rabbit. Smart, too.

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the juniper patch

Night was starting to fall, and Hollis had run out of ways to amuse himself, so he decided to wander down to see who was at the juniper patch. The evening was mild enough that he thought he would take his time heading down, and enjoy the crisp evening air. Unfortunately, slow for a rabbit isn't very slow at all, even for one of Hollis' age, and before he really had a chance to admire his surroundings, he was at the patch.

He looked around to see who else was there. A few familiar rabbits caught his eye, but none that he cared to talk to, except maybe Herbert, whom he had seen sneaking around his home recently. Taking a quick nibble on a few berries, and letting the first mild buzz bring up a bit of courage, he scurried over to where Herbert was entertaining some other rabbits with some grand tale.

Hollis stared at Herbert with contempt. "Herbert, how are you?"

Herbert jumped a bit and stopped his storytelling. "Ah, um, well, Hollis! How are you? Haven't seen you in a while, eh?"

Hollis sniffed the dirt around Herbert's paws.

"Fuck off, Herbert, I saw you scurrying away from my hole the other day, so don't give me any of this 'long time no see' bullshit."

Herbert shuffled his front paws in place. "Honestly, Hollis, what are you on about? I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. No big deal, right? I didn't hear you in there so I went on my way."

"You went on your way in quite a hurry, Herbert."

Herbert sniffed a smug little sniff. "Well, Hollis, some of us scurry a little faster than others these days, I guess."

A few of the other rabbits snickered to themselves.

Hollis sprayed into Herbert's space. "You trying to get tough, Herbert? 'Cause we could settle this right quick."

Herbert stammered. "Well, it seems like somebody's had a bit too much juniper tonight."

Hollis sprayed again. "Oh, yeah, well why don't you step aside and I'll show you how much fucking juniper I've got in me?"

A strange voice interrupted Hollis' challenge.

"That's enough here. You two don't need to go there."

Hollis and Herbert looked up. It was Wallace, the stray German shepherd. He looked as if his night had been rough enough already.

"Wallace, good to see you," Hollis greeted him, "If you'll just pardon me for a moment..."

"Pardon nothing, Hollis," Wallace declared, "you're coming over and having a few junipers with me."

Hollis looked at Herbert and shrugged. "'Right, Wallace, I'll join you for a few junipers. Herbert," Herbert flinched ever so slightly as Hollis spoke to him, "I guess I'll see you around."

"Yeah," Herbert agreed, "Soon, Hollis, real soon."

Hollis started off past Wallace. Wallace glared down at Herbert. "You might want to get on you're way, little rabbit, there's a few of us here gettin' hungry."

Herbert stood erect, trying to hide his fear while the other rabbits scattered as fast as they could. "Wallace, hey, come on! Hollis started it, he came right up to me, you saw it! Jesus, I mean, fuck, I'm just having a few junipers here!"

"Yeah," Wallace glared, "well maybe you've had plenty." And with that Wallace sauntered over to Hollis, brooding in a far corner of the juniper patch.

Hollis had a mouthful when Wallace made it over to him.

"You keep up like that and there won't be any junipers for the rest of us," Wallace warned.

Hollis shrugged. "Fuck off, Wallace, you know I could have handled myself back there."

Wallace took a bite off of a bush. "Christ, Hollis, I'm just lookin' out for you. You're not as young as you used to be."

Hollis laughed. "Me? Christ, Wallace, you better worry more about yourself. Shit, you're missing half your hide these days. What is it, mange?"

Wallace looked aside. "I dunno, Hollis. I guess its gotten worse the past few. Hell, we all get older, huh?"

Hollis pushed a juniper branch over towards Wallace. "Don't fear none, Wallace, you'll still outlive me."

Wallace smiled, then took of Hollis' outstretched branch. "Don't forget it, either."

And so the two of them ate freely of the junipers, letting the sweet, swarming buzz slowly overtake them. The night went on around them as they got more and more comfortably plowed. Finally, after a while of imbibing, Wallace felt able to talk to Hollis.

"So what was the deal, Hollis? What were you on at Herbert about?"

Hollis rolled over onto his side. "Fuck, what difference does it make? Aw, hell, it's all pretty fucking stupid, really. It's just that he's always sniffing around my hole lately. It's like he's waiting for me to croak so's he can move in or something."

"Well, hell, can you blame him? Not to sound rough or anything, but he's a young hare, and he hasn't been able to keep a place yet, he keeps getting chased out by a few of the wolves. He knows you've got the safest place in the woods, and he thinks you won't be around much longer. It's survival, man, that's all."

"Shit, Wallace, I ain't out of here yet."

Wallace took another mouthful of juniper berries. "Shit, Hol, I know that. But still..."

Hollis got back on his feet. "But still what? You know something I don't?"

Wallace scuffled a bit. "Well, it's nothing, I guess. It's just that Doric is starting to get a bit annoyed that you haven't forgiven him yet."

Hollis jumped up. "Forgiven him? Jesus fucking Christ, Wallace, he ate my fucking girlfriend! I don't know about you, but I consider that a serious fucking offense! What am I supposed to do? Invite him over for dinner? Sorry, but he already ate at my place!"

"Don't start off on me, Hollis! Believe me, I know how you feel. But you got to understand, Doric is a wolf, he's a bit more fierce than us, isn't he? He can't be expected to control himself all of the time, can he? Shit, I think it's impressive enough he hasn't eaten you yet!"

"That's a fucking comfort."

"Well, it should be, in a way. Seriously, Hollis, there is a kind of natural law here in the woods, and you should think yourself lucky that you haven't fallen victim to it yet. It truly is a blessing for you, friend. Besides, think about where he was coming from."

"Where he was coming from? Christ, Wallace, you don't see me running around trying to feast on your mate, do you?"

"Yeah, but fuck, Hollis, your a rabbit, you know? You're lower on the food chain, no offense."

"Yeah, great, none taken."

"Come on, Hollis, think about it. Here's a great big wolf, he's just had a long night hitting the junipers, he's feeling pretty good about himself. So, he gets this craving, right? And maybe he's drifting through the woods, trying to ignore it, but then he stumbles upon Gertrude, walking about on her own for no apparent reason, just drifting, like. And all he sees is all this nice, ripe flesh, just perfect for the taking."

"Lay off, Wallace..."

"Sorry, Hollis, but here it is. He sees Gertrude in all her delicious glory, and what's a wolf to do? It's his nature as a wolf, Hollis. He eats her, he devours her. That's what wolves do, Hollis, it's not entirely his fault."

"Bullshit, Wallace. He could have told himself, 'Hey, she's with Hollis, I should lay off of this one', or anything! If he had only thought about it, just for a minute!"

"He was drunk, Hollis! He wasn't thinking straight! He told you that himself! He said it wasn't personal, that if he hadn't been hitting the junipers it never would have happened!"

Hollis downed a few more junipers. "I don't buy it, Wallace. I hit the junipers like nobody's business, but you don't see me going after anybody's mates, do you?"

"You're a vegetarian, Hollis! You're not a carnivore! You don't know what it's like! Besides, how long would it have lasted, really? Another year, perhaps?"

"Hey!" Hollis yelled, " Maybe one year for you, but that's seven years for me, you bastard!"