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the
war vs. god
I can't take it anymore. It has to end. It’s just been too
much.
And I know how to end it.
I have declared a war on God. He must die. It's the only way.
I have held a steadfast belief in God and love for God for as long as I can remember,
but it must stop now.
All this is His fault.
The One True God is on their side. He is on our side. He is on everyone’s
side. And yet we fight each other.
Maybe there isn’t One True God. Perhaps there are several mischievous minions,
pitting us against each other for fun.
It all has to end. Belief in God can be no more. If everyone thinks God is with
them, we are either all wrong or God wants nothing to do with any of us anymore.
It must end. He must die.
Destroy Jerusalem. No city can be holy if its streets run as full with blood
as Jerusalem’s streets do.
Turn the Vatican into a hotel. Enough money has passed through there that it
might as well be one already.
End it all. Believe in nothing. It’s the only way.
If people didn’t believe, none of this would be happening.
If there is a God, as I’ve always believed in him, he would be gracious
if we left his name out of all this chaos.
We should no longer be praying for God’s help, we should be blaming him
for getting us in this mess.
Forget Bin Laden. We must kill God. He can’t be with all of us, and we can’t
all be right. At this point, none of us are right.
We will all be doomed to Hell together. None of us will know eternity. That will
be our solidarity.
All I can think of are these words by Bob Dylan:
So now as I’m leaving,
I leave you with this,
That Jesus Christ was
betrayed by a kiss
Now I cannot think for you,
It's for you to decide,
Whether Judas Iscariot had
God on his side.
Let us find solace in our faith in each other, without God’s ugly name popping
up in every argument. There must be no more faith in God. That kind of faith
has only brought us death. If what we believe to be true is actually true, then
God only wants us to die.
My whole life I have loved him. Now I hate him. It's that simple.
God must die.
I never thought I’d say such a thing.
-----------
Okay, let’s get into this a bit more. I have had a number of e-mails stating
various differing opinions on this “war against God” matter. I admit,
I have always harbored a belief in God. Now, have I thought of him as One Huge
Being with omnipotent power and knowledge? Not necessarily. I have merely considered
him or it as the driving force of love and understanding between two people.
Apparently, I was wrong.
People have told me not to forgo my belief in God, that Good will triumph over
Evil. Now, while I do not hesitate to call the idea of hijacking planes and flying
them into buildings evil, or setting off bombs in malls and buses evil, when
countries start declaring themselves “Good” and, well, “Good,” and
then go to war against each other, there’s something fucked up going on.
I will never forget what happened on September 11th. No one should (and don’t
tell me no one will, there are plenty of people out there who have already forgotten
what it felt like). But everything has gone beyond that, and it's only just beginning.
Soon, the United Arab Emirates will get involved. Soon, Jordan will get involved.
Soon, Iran and Iraq will get involved. So what do we have? Too many extremely
religious countries fighting against each other and one country that once upon
a time vowed a separation between church and state, but still swears that it's
bound by God.
God, or Jesus, once gave his life that we would have better lives (or so the
story goes). Apparently, it’s about time he did it again. If we had no God
to believe in, we wouldn’t be killing each other. Obviously, his very straightforward
teachings about loving each other have yet to sink into our thick skulls.
If there is no Holy Land, what will they kill for? It’s worth a try.
There is no such thing as “Good” or “Right” anymore. There
is only fervor.
We all know how well religious fervor went over during the Spanish Inquisition,
The Crusades, and the reign of Peter The Great.
It’s time to give it up. It’s time to believe in each other, love each
other, rather than wasting our love on some theoretical overlord. Right now,
we have no solidarity. I mean as people, not as Americans or Israelis or Palestinians
or Afghans. Why is this the case? Because we all have varying definitions of
God. To hell with him. Let’s love each other first.
On that note, I’m going to share some thoughts that have passed my way since
I declared my war on God:
“Amen, brother! However, with some concerns. If God really exists then it
would be impossible to kill God. Spending time thinking about it is silliness.
If God exists only as a concept created by humans than we have to look at why
God exists and then what to do about it. Let’s look at humans: unreliable,
sometimes traitorous, often smelly and always conscious of their mortality. Gee,
I wonder why they would look for something beyond themselves? So to kill God
you have to kill humans — all of them, including yourself, which seems to
be missing the point. So the question is: How to wage war on God without killing
yourself?
1) You can enslave other humans, and if they so much as look like they are thinking
about God, you beat them with a stick (a big one), but this is futile. Eventually
they will figure out a way to rise up against you, using YOU GUESSED IT, GOD
as their support system.
or
2) You can liberate humans. Teach them that every human’s individual rights
are greater than any laws of God. The freer they become the less they look to
the support of God to help them. The problem with this approach, is that by liberating
humans, you just might be doing GOD’S work.
Life is sorrow"
And here’s another great response:
"Paul - If we do indeed turn the Vatican into a hotel may I suggest the
following:
- We replace the holy water dishes on the exits with condom machines.
- We create a special shrine to Jesus’s little underachiever brother: Pete
of Nazareth (he went into plumbing instead of carpentry — what a loser — there
were no fucking pipes!)
- We replace all that damned ritualistic standing, sitting & kneeling that
would’ve taken place in the masses with that fun-luvin fad dance: “The
Macarena”
- All clergy would replace their drab vestments with outfits by Armani"
And so on and so forth…
Look, this isn’t going to end any time soon. It’s gone way beyond whatever
we’re doing in Afghanistan. What’s happening between Israel and Palestine
is going to affect us soon enough. Hell, it’s what got us into this.
So let’s abolish God. Let’s believe in each other instead. Because,
frankly, whatever great things God may have done, we’re the ones who did
all the physical labor for him to accomplish it.
-----------
DAY ONE:
I have decided that the best way to destroy the enemy is to know the enemy. I
have broken out all of my old copies of the Bible and my one copy of the Koran
and am reading them again thoroughly. There must be a weakness, and I will find
it. I have also surrounded myself with all of the random religious medals and
icons that my mother has given me from every
trip away from home that I've taken over the years.
Upon rereading the New Testament, I have found Jesus' penchant for forgiveness
and hookers to be a possible weakness. Must research this further. That said,
I am beginning to admire the guy. I have decided that I must spend more time
reading only the Old Testament and the Koran.
God has thrown the first punch. I cannot find my favorite belt buckle. He is
toying with me now, I can feel it. I must not underestimate his strength. I cannot
let these minor losses discourage me.
DAY TWO:
He has thrown the second punch. I have had a truly awful day at work. I realize
now that God is a vicious bastard, and that he was only toying with Job.
On the bright side, I realize that my army is getting larger. I continually get
messages from people who are willing to join the fight.
Writes one:
"Way to go Paul! Y'know, with the War On God thing. I think it's an outstanding
idea, one whose time has really come! If you get him up on the ropes, let me
know. I've always wanted to give God a series of brutal rabbit punches to his
metaphysical kidneys. Really. Always wanted to. You don't believe me- but I'm
serious. Rabbit punches."
And another...
"Way to go! To tell the truth, I don't believe in him anyway, but I suppose
if he existed, he would definitely have to die!"
I am feeling stronger, ready for battle. I have decided that if God wants to
avoid this war, he must accept my demands. There is really only one, but it's
a biggie...
AGREEMENT FOR A TRUCE IN THE WAR AGAINST GOD:
Abandon Jerusalem as the holy land. Make it the Arctic Circle. First off, you
can't lay claim to a holy land unless you have some sort of heritage there, and
second of all nobody would care if there was a war in the Arctic Circle. I thought
about making it the Galapagos Islands, but we all decided they were far too harmonious
out there with no humans living on
them.
This is my offer. I have yet to hear a response. I have not heard much from God
about my truce theory, but the Pashtun leader who is now the interim leader of
Afghanistan announced that it is their goal to find a government that respects
their religious beliefs, but is not stuck two centuries behind the rest of the
world. I feel like this is a small victory.
Walking home from the bar tonight, I tripped on the sidewalk and hit my head
on a mailbox. Chalk one more up to God. This will be a long and difficult battle.
I'm prepared. I'm in this for the long haul.
-----------
All right. I'm considering a different avenue. Especailly after this blow to
my cause...
"Would join you in your war, but am too busy working with the
MOSSAD pursuing Santa Claus [formally Klaus] for war crimes. Believe
he is involved in underground network with Easter Bunny. Good Luck"
The cause is surely lacking, especially since the word "omnipotent" keeps
getting thrown around. I have recently recognized that I, myself, am very limited
in the "Potent" category. Am pursuing another course, but will need
help.
Received this message:
"Paul,
I think that maybe you are going about this all wrong. Why not just sue God?
He's a tortfeasor, Paul. You have a prima facie case for trespass to chattels
and maybe even conversion of property and intentional infliction of emotional
distress (for the belt buckle) and negligence and battery claims (for the mailbox).
You may have a problem if you already went ahead with that rabbit-punches-on-the-ropes
idea, because God can counterclaim assault and battery against you (and those
angel jurors can be bitchy about that kind of thing). We could try to transfer
your case to a more sympathetic venue, e.g., hell. Hmm. Does hell have personal
jurisdiction over God? I think that we can probably establish minimum contacts
and purposeful availment. Now we need subject matter jurisdiction. Assuming that
the courts of hell follow the US Federal Rules of Civil Procedure (which they
no doubt do, given that the USFRCP is evil incarnate), we are going to have to
establish complete diversity of citizenship between you and God and the required
amount in controversy. Assuming (if I may) that you are NOT a domiciliary of
hell and that God lives in heaven with the intent to remain there, complete diversity
is satisfied. Now, can we eek $75K out of this? How badly were you hurt by the
mailbox? Was there PAIN AND SUFFERING? And the belt buckle? Valuable? Do you
have EXTREME emotional distress because of God's outrageous conduct, Paul? Maybe
we can go for punitives on this one. Hell is the perfect pro-plaintiff venue
for this case. Even better than Mississippi. Unbelievable. And the Supreme-Hell-Court
Justices are very prosecutor-friendly; they'll never grant God's motion to dismiss.
My retainer is normally $5000, but we can strike a deal because we go way back.
We'll discuss in more detail on December 22. I'll have my people call your people
and set up a meeting for that night. Perhaps at the G. office. I'll schedule
a deposition of God for early January and we can get the ball rolling. Really
the best way, I think.
Regards,
A.
PS: If God ever does accepts your Arctic Circle offer, make sure you get it in
writing. Otherwise, you are going to have serious difficulty enforcing an oral
land-related contract under the statute of frauds. Peace out, yo."
There's a hitch. As a precaution, I've done some personal research. I've figured
these to be the key areas of character assassination on my part:
1. Adultery
2. Substance abuse
3. Idolatry
4. Avarice
5. Jealousy
6. Blasphemy
7. Vanity
8. Blatant disregard for traffic laws
9. Petty thievery
10. Tax evasion
11. Insider trading
Will definitely need character witnesses. Ideally, any member of clergy. Unfortunately,
I'm stuck on the wrong side of the "he who lives in glass house" metaphor.
That said, I'm sure I can, with the help of my lawyer, pin various counts of
homocide against the defendant, therefore negating most of my crimes.
We'll see.
-----------
from the Daily News - Sat Dec 8, 2001 8:00am EST
God Breaks Long Silence and Speaks Out Against "Punk" Dellevigne
Over a week after Philadelphia resident Paul Dellevigne launched his one-man "War
on God," God, it seems, has had enough. The Almighty conducted a brief press
conference at the gazebo in Rittenhouse Square early Saturday morning.
During God's opening statement to the sparse audience which included a flock
of pigeons, two sleeping homeless men, the Recorder Lady, and City Paper film
editor Sam Adams, God was openly hostile toward Dellevigne, frequently referring
to him as a "punk" and a "loser."
"This punk thinks he can make his funny little point by taking me on via
his tired mailing list. He should just stick to his sordid little tales of junkies,
decomposing babies, and his alarmingly lurid fascination with the opposite sex."
God took few questions, reading instead from a hastily prepared statement on
yellowish parchment. During the five minute speech, God outlined the vengeful
course Dellevigne's life would take if he didn't recant his vociferous statements
immediately. "I honestly thought I'd knocked his ego down a few notches
with the kidney stone and the root canal, but he seems to be of the particularly
unrepentant variety of sinners for which there is little or no hope of salvation." God
publicly admitted to thwarting Dellevigne's budding musical career several times.
He brushed aside a reporter's question as to exactly how this was executed. "Let's
just say that Elf Boy didn't stand a chance from the start..."
Dellevigne has penned countless sardonic Christmas songs to be performed by his
former band The Hot Buttered Elves,
and has been trying to jump start a solo career which includes a band called
The Sinners. God was not impressed with either project. "You have made my
son's birthday the longest running musical joke in Philadelphia..."
Adams brought up the Hooters, but got no response from God, just a withering
stare.
In closing, God gave that "Punk Dellevigne" one month to get his act
together and repent. "I'm declaring a general amnesty through the holidays,
because that's the kind of guy I am. But if this nonsense keeps up though 2002,
his days are numbered."
When pressed for details on Dellevigne's final days, God was less specific. "I'm
toying around with continuing random persecution at both work and on the street.
I think the grand finale might involve a cold, rainy day and SEPTA..."
When questioned about Dellevigne's potential for eternal damnation God smiled
slightly and stroked his beard. "I've seen the places he hangs out in. He'd
probably enjoy Hell way too much. I'm actually considering reincarnation of some
sort....perhaps as a Birkenstock sandal or Trey Anastasio's hash pipe." God
thanked the pigeons, the homeless men, the Recorder Lady, and a curiously absent
Sam Adams for their attendance and took his leave.
Dellevigne was not available for comment at press time. He was home asleep.
-----------
That's it. It's over. I like to think I put up a noble fight, but it's probably
not true. The war was doomed from the start. Instead of rallying the troops,
people just seemed confused by what I was attempting.
Case in point:
"paully-
what exactly do you have against Guaranteed Overnight Delivery? did they screw
up a shipment of yours? it's no reason to blow your top. look for your receipt
and i'm sure somewhere on there is a number where you can call and be speedily
refunded. there's really no need to start a war surely. one time the USPS lost
the fried egg i had ordered from denny's.com. i didn't start a war. of course
starting a war with a postal employee could get pretty ugly. those dudes are
armed to the teeth, not to mention poisonous. i just explained the situation
and everybody gave me tea and cookies and a free hat. then i was happy. try it
out! you could tell them you hit your head on one of their boxes too and maybe
they will pet you or toss you a snack."
To make matters worse, God finally had his own say, apparently, as many of you
may have already read. He's lying, though. He says he grants me amnesty, but
it couldn't be further from the truth. Oh, he may not be physically coming after
me just yet, but the psychological assault has already started. He dealt me a
crushing blow last night as I was forced to witness three hours of the most excruciatingly
bad poetry/performance art ever conceived with all of two customers at my bar,
both of whom realized what was going on between God and myself, and ran away
before suffering any more abuse at the hands of my foolish endeavor. You may
think I'm overreacting, but you should have seen this. I mean, seriously. This
was torture. Bad keyboard playing and a woman with bad skin pounding her fists
on the floor and shrieking into a microphone. I think the act was called "The
Angels Of Discord". Get it? Angels. His servants. Oh, this was no coincidence.
Then, at the end of the night, I got hot wax in my eye while closing up.
Oh yeah, he's won. I'm toast.
Already, the emotional stress will take a while to recover from. I definitely
underestimated my opponent. I guess I should have taken that "all-powerful" thing
a little more seriously.
Man.
So, thanks for the support. I hope you don't all think any less of me. But there
were some who sat alongside me and saw the horrors I saw, and I think they understand.
I'm going back to bed now.
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