peace, love and understanding: a comedy

I'm trying to make peace with things. There's enough going on in my life right now that I feel I need to bring peace wherever I can find it. This always seems like a great idea, and it always seems like a pretty simple one. Unfortunately, it seldom is.

First, I tried to make peace with my body. The ever-returning throat condition told me I should quit smoking. The furthest I got was two days. I haven't given up yet, but that one is certainly now notched a little lower on the “Things to do” list.

I got tired of being exhausted all of the time, so I tried to quit drinking. Went a week on that one, but complete sobriety is a bitter pill when you walk in the same circles that I do, so that one was crossed off the list entirely.

I was having issues with my job, so I decided that I had to do something about it. I immediately got myself a second job, so that now the complaints can be spread around a little better. That was working fine, but the previous issue makes it a little hard to work two jobs.

Realizing that making peace with my own self was a bit daunting, I decided I would try to make peace with those around me. In retrospect, I think I might have had a slightly skewed sense of difficulty going into this.

I started with one man. I missed him, so I thought that it would be relatively easy. In fact, the initial conversation was easy. The aftermath, however, can't be. I tell myself, every time I see him, that we've made peace, and things are better now. We talk, and we laugh, and I tell him to come to my bar for a drink. Then I walk away, and I want to cry.

There's the girl. The first one. I keep telling myself that I've made peace with the man, so the next logical step is the girl. I know that there are things I can say to her. But every time I come close, I run away.

There's the second girl. In my mind, she should have been the easiest to make peace with, considering I kept telling myself that none of it meant anything to me anyway. I was wrong. Every time we hug, say goodnight, or cheerfully say hello, I realize that it did mean something. Which might be why it's now an issue I need to make peace with.

Make peace? Or pretend. Is it really possible to settle these issues that burrow into our minds and hearts? At best, don't we just pretend they don't bother us until that wonderful day comes when we can't really remember that well why we were upset to begin with?

There's a lot of deceit out there. I sometimes think that it's one of the key reasons a group of friends can stay together, or a relationship, for that matter. What makes it worrisome is when you begin to distrust the deceit you've been offered. When you can't trust a lie, what can you believe? Ignorance may not be bliss, but it can imagine it.

We've seen too many movies, read too many novels. That's my analysis. Every time we look back upon an emotional situation, there's a line, a sonnet, a soliloquy, or a gesture that would perfectly complement the moment. Immediately, the image of Martin Donovan throwing a table across an outdoor cafe in “Surviving Desire” comes to mind.

Unfortunately, these movies and plays had writers who spent great amounts of time coming up with the perfect dialogue or gesture. In real life, we are stuck having to improvise with just a moment's notice. Therefore, all of the speeches and soliloquies end up getting shortened to more immediate
(and more easily improvised) reactions such as: “Wow,” “Fuck, I don't know,” or more concisely, “Shit.”

Sure, occasionally we come up with some great stuff, but let's face facts, usually we get completely caught up in our emotions and go off on some extraordinary diatribe that we regret the next day. Patience is a virtue, however. Granted, it may be easier for me to say that since my wallpaper is currently a naked picture of Drew Barrymore (her butt is just barely visible below this message field. It's so cute.), but it does pay off. Everything does go in cycles. I may hate my job, but I must remember that just a couple of months ago I loved it. There may be people I don't know how to react around, but not that long ago, I loved their company. I may fear deceit, but frankly, deceit can bring with it much comfort. Similarly, so can booze, hence me scratching off that one item from my list of things to do.

I'll put things in perspective. The other night I was sitting in Bar Noir with a friend. He brought up the proverbial “Good Old Days.” In this case, it was back when Makam's was open and he and I and others hung out more often. My immediate reaction was that he was absolutely right. They were glorious days. I immediately thought of all the fun times and wonderfully drunken evenings and the two Rachels and Don and Lori and Bruce and Scott and Brodie and other people that I don't see as often or at all anymore.

But then I remembered the dark side. The drugs, the extreme drinking, the over-the-top melancholy. The things that drove me to move across the country. Those were the good days?

Of course they were. So were the rain- and whiskey-drenched nights when I lived in Seattle. They were all filled with laughter and joy. And these days have been too, and will be remembered that way soon enough. It's just going to take some perspective to remember the laughter and joy that's going on right now. Everything becomes prettier once it becomes the past. The present is cursed with the pressure of having ideals to live up to.

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