Moving to Rochester

moving to rochester, or how to escape a bug jar

I found out tonight that my friends Don and Sara Lee are moving to Rochester soon. My first reaction was that I was very happy that Don got accepted to the school he's been hoping to get into for almost a year now. Then I started crying like a baby.

"Why," the girl asked, "why are you so upset?"

Why? So many reasons, really. Knowing that I'll miss them, wondering how I'll get through knowing Don won't be nearby, jealousy...

"You left once, too," she said.

Right. I left. Then I came back. Now, all I want to do is leave again.

DANGEROUS INSIGHT INTO THE SELFISHNESS OF THE HUMAN MIND

I did leave, didn't I? Sometimes I wonder if it happened at all. Thankfully, I have pictures. Yeah, I was there. All the way on the
other side of the country. Some part of me said that it was a good idea, seeing as I was depressed and lonely and schizophrenic here in Phliadelphia, to move to a cold, rainy, miserable little city called Seattle. It made sense at the time. The longest successful
relationship of my life had recently ended, and my drunken paranoia was at it's peak, so why not move? Heck, I figured, if you're going to have a breakdown, have one on the other side of the country.

Then Don came out to stay with me. Suddenly, I had company. Then my friend Jen came to visit. Suddenly, my breakdown wasn't so private. I hated the fact that they were there. I resented everything. I said horrible things to Jen, things I'll never really forgive myself for, and she left. Later, Don left, too.

You know what I did?

I cried.

As much as there was part of me that hated him being there, I hated the fact that he was leaving me there, as well.

So I found myself crying when I realized that Don and Sara Lee were going to be leaving soon. And then I called the woman who only hours earlier laid her head on my shoulder and said, "I wish you and I were a better fit" and she informed me that I left once, too. That's when it hit me. That's when I really got upset. Because I realized then that I left, but I failed in what I wanted to do, and I came back. What scared me the most was knowing in my heart was that Don would succeed, and he wouldn't be back for a long time.

Suddenly, I realized that I wasn't crying because two good friends of mine were getting ready to leave town. I was crying out of
jealousy. Out of pride. Out of frustration and hatred of the fact that suddenly my life was filled with repulsive routine and women telling me "I wish you and I were a better fit", or ex-girlfriends telling me that I'm still handsome or people I trained moving on to different jobs. I realized that I, too, wanted to move to Rochester, the Seattle of the East Coast, that cold and wet town that I hated the one time I visited with the exception of a very strange club called the Bug Jar, where I ran into someone I knew from Philly.

And I realized that I'm not leaving again. Not yet. Not for the reasons that I want to. Suddenly, I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I left once, too, but for all the wrong reasons. Now, two dear friends of mine are moving for all the right reasons.

And then, putting aside all of the things that I hate about my life right now - the lack of a lover, the hateful job, the complete lack of direction - I remembered that two friends of mine were getting ready to move away. Then I cried again. Because I am going to miss them. And because they are going to succeed. And because if there's a God in Heaven they aren't going to be back in a year.

Only, this time, when I cried, I was very, very happy for them.