Inspired by a Song

inspired by a song

Lindy was sitting at the bar alone. It didn't happen often, her being alone, and she really was enjoying the solitude. Sure, Danae was hitting on her from behind the bar, but Lindy always found her cute and harmless, so she really didn't mind so much. Besides, Danae always bought her a few drinks.

Things had gotten strange. Recently, Lindy didn't feel as comfortable sitting at the bar by herself as she used to. She had taken to coming to the bar with several friends just to feel a little more relaxed. It wasn't that she wasn't welcome there, she always was, but there was something else. There was something about the way people talked around her, rather than to her, these days.

In some ways, she understood. She knew there were people who thought she was a slut, who thought was just making the rounds of the regular drunks who hung out at the bar. She didn't care about that so much, because to a certain extent, it was true. Absolutely, she had slept with or had relationships with several of the regular drunks or junkies who hung out there. That was her choice. She didn't care what anyone thought about any of it. What bothered her now was the sinking feeling that she was being looked at by the other regulars as someone who was Mean.

She understood, to a certain extent. If you didn't know the situation, it would be easy to think that the way she went from Leo to Jack to King to Adam would seem cold and uncaring, but what nobody understood was that she left little pieces of her heart with each one of them.

She ordered another martini. Danae smiled at her and made some comment about watching herself. Lindy winked at her and laughed as sincere a laugh as she could muster. It didn't matter, she surmised. Nobody understood.

It started with Leo. Poor, beautiful Leo. So sincere, so lost. She couldn't believe when she first got together with him that someone so sincere could have so much disregard fro his own life. She was convinced that people were misjudging his habit, calling an eternal optimist a hopeless junkie. She really did believe in his desire to live, and stuck with him for as long as she could, until she realized that he had no desire to live. That his sincerity was misdirected. He didn't believe in life, he believed whole-heartedly in everything that was dead.

First, he let the heroin and booze get out of hand. Then, when that turned against him, he turned to religion and sobriety. When that was too much for him, he just went back to the drugs. She knew in his heart he loved her, but at the same time, the only way he could justify his own life was by leaving it in someone or something else's hands, and she couldn't bring herself to constantly bring him back anymore. She tired of being the voice of reality. Besides, he eventually hooked up with Marnie, and he seemed perfectly happy forgetting all about Lindy until Marnie also tired of his nonexistence.

Then there was Jack. Lindy was convinced that Leo would never have thought about her again if she hadn't gotten together with Jack. There was something about Jack that Leo always hated, even if he would never mention it. What bothered her the most was how much Leo and Jack had in common, but neither would ever admit to. Jack was different, however. Everyone thought he was just a hopeless drunk, but where Leo seemed to desperately want to feel pain, Jack seemed to feel nothing but desperately wanted to feel something. Anything. She could remember the way, each night, Jack would wrap his arms around her and moan, ever so slightly, ever so contently. Then, the next morning, he would switch himself off again and continue through his routine of numbness. Leo seemed to go out of his way to feel numb. Jack seemed unable to avoid it.

She convinced herself for a while that she could break him from his shell, but eventually she realized that she wouldn't. It was up to him, no one else. She knew that people looked down on her for still hooking up with him every now and then, but they didn't know anything. She wasn't leading him on, it was just that sometimes her affection for him went deeper than a hug and kiss goodnight. She was never trying to hurt him. Not ever.

She stared at her martini. The list seemed to go on and on. She cared for them all so much. She wondered what all these people who looked down on her would think if just once they felt what she felt. Would they hate themselves? Would they think themselves fools? Would they feel all those eyes looking down on them and cutting into them? Or would they, too, be
able to just brush it all aside and know that they were only trying to bring love to people who needed loving. She doubted they would. She, herself, had a hard time reminding herself of that. But then, she only had to picture any of their faces, or look at them from across the bar, to remember how she felt about them all, even if she couldn't let herself show it anymore.

Jack walked in. He waved at her, but he sat several barstools away and ordered a beer and a shot. Lindy watched as Jack waved Danae over and talked to her. Afterwards, Danae walked over to Lindy. "He wants to know if you'd like a shot."

Lindy felt trapped, but she refused to let it get to her. "No thanks, Danae, I'll just settle up."

She paid the bartender, then walked over to Jack. She apologized for not drinking with him, and told him she wasn't feeling well and had to go home. He mentioned that they should have a night on the town when she was feeling better. She said sure. She leaned in to give him a hug goodnight, and he hugged her tighter than she expected. She hugged him back. She felt it all again. She kissed him, briefly, then said goodnight.

As she left, all she could think was that not one of them really believed she existed.