happy new year

So far, we've made it through another one. I say so far, because I know that somewhere out there the party is still going on. I wish I were still there. I could be there, and honestly, I don't know why I'm not. I was surrounded by people I've known for years and have loved for years. I was welcome. The night, had I stuck around, would only have become more fun, and more interesting.

But I had to leave. My night had ended, even if I am still awake.

Another year passed. It took me most of the night to realize it. I arrived at the party shortly before midnight, and when the clock chimed, all I knew at the time was that it was time to yell and drink champagne and hug your friends and kiss the girls. I didn't realize. It just didn't sink in.

We're still here.

We made it through another one.

We keep on keeping on. So now what?

What is it about the dawning of a new year that brings everything to the fore? It's meaningless, really, just another day. Just one more passing of the moon cycle. And yet, every year, there are questions. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do? What could I have done? What am I afraid of? What am I hiding behind? Why is the short term answer always more attractive than the long term answer? Was I a good person? Why am I still here while others aren't? What is it that I'm supposed to do?

So I'm at this party and I'm surrounded by great friends and suddenly I'm hit by these thoughts. Am I hiding? Is there fear? What is it that I'm afraid of? Where are the friends from years before? The people I've lost, did I really need to lose them? Or could I have been just a little less arrogant, a little less proud. Is it that hard, really, to turn the other cheek? Will it be another year, another day of talking about hopes and aspirations while at the same time hiding from them?

Or will it be different? Will it finally be the year when all the small accomplishments are recognized as steps towards a better goal? To understand that each word, each moment that is true, makes you something stronger?

They say our world has changed. But how? Because we fear more now? The basic hesitations still linger with us, the simple issues still haunt us, and what should be the easiest thing in the world - to do what you want and believe in - remains the hardest.

Waiting for the great leap forward.

That first step is a doozy.

It's through nights like New Year's Eve, surrounded by friends, filled with love, knowing that another year has passed and everyone is still together - this is where the questions get answered. Knowing that you are still a part of the world is answer enough in itself.

Everything else is extra credit.

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