age vs. revelation

Saying that it can be hard to recognize where you are at any given time is an understatement. Sometimes, it can be hard to recognize where you ever were at any given time. When it suddenly hits you that your favorite album came out almost twenty years ago, it makes you feel stupid for spending the night sitting next to a twenty-two year old at the bar.

It's amazing how easy it is to feel infinitely younger than you are until you see the copyright dates on the CDs that you own.

It's also frighteningly easy to pretend that you are not depressed, no matter how depressed you actually are.

Then, suddenly, you catch yourself. You realize how many times you just don't answer the phone. You find yourself making up excuses. You were sick. You got called into work. You were out of town. In fact, you just didn't want to talk to anyone. You couldn't comprehend being face to face with another person.

Woah, did I say "you"? I guess I meant "me."

I've done that before, haven't I?

When you spend your entire life feeling older than you are, it can be strange to feel so much younger than you actually are. I can't fathom how I come across to others sometimes.

It's absurd. This feeling of separation. This inability to find footing in the world. I am no older than I am. It doesn't matter. My friends who passed away still passed away too young, what difference does age make? Besides that, none of us are old, for Christ's sake. If women in their twenties are still interested in me, what the hell is the problem?

Oh, right, it's that other thing. The hiding. Yeah.

I keep trying to come up with a good reason for it. I keep trying to justify it. I keep trying to excuse it.

I can't. There's a fine line between isolation and fear. I've kept telling myself that I just needed another day to get my head together, but in the meantime, I have avoided my niece, my family, my friends who have recently moved away, my friends who are still here, my bandmates, and pretty much every women I've met or gone out with in the past year.

Why?

Well, hell, if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be depressed, now, would I?

But I keep asking myself. Not to drive myself crazy, but to try to get to the source. I have always avoided therapy (at least since college, anyway), out of the understanding that life is hard, so deal with it. Yet when I found myself in a situation, I couldn't justify it with my own logic.

I could always find a reason. If I could only meet someone...but when I did, I ran and hid...If I could get a new job...I did, same story...I drink too much, do too many drugs...I stopped, no difference...I'm getting old...nope, don't be silly...it's seasonal...this has been going on since last summer.

And then it sinks in. There is no one reason. There is no answer. You feel older, you're getting older. Deal with it. The sadness sometimes doesn't come from one place. Sometimes it just comes. Sure, there are drugs that can be prescribed to make you happy, but I saw "Brain Candy", and I don't want that. Sometimes the answer can be found in the strangest of places, even if it may be short lived.

Maybe it's deciding to go to Little Pete's at 2 a.m., hanging out with the waitresses and laughing your ass off, knowing that home is only three blocks away.

Maybe it's coming up with an absurdly simple song, which you know you may never play, but makes you feel great for that moment.

Maybe it's the way that blonde smiled at you, even if she wasn't interested once you started talking to her.

Maybe it's the memory of the girl you saw on the streetcorner, just for a moment, as well as the one you married.

Maybe it's in the job you had for two weeks, as well as the one you had for years.

Maybe it's as much in the people you hung out with for a night, as well as with the people you've known for years.

Maybe, just maybe, the beauty of life lies in those tiniest of moments, and not just in the end result.

Maybe it's in the joy of experiencing every single thing, not just the most recent.

And maybe that can be enjoyed forever, no matter how old you may feel.

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