after a long silence

I guess I'm back. I've had a lot of people wonder where I've been over the past few weeks. First, I was moving, and was without e-mail access for a while. Then, the entire world changed.

I've spent the past week silent, but with a very heavy heart, as I'm sure all of you have. I've intentionally avoided this mailing list, as much as I've wanted to discuss everything with everyone, because I wanted to wait until I had some kind of perspective on everything. Alas, a week later, I
have none.

I have basically spent the last week crying. I feel no shame in saying that, and I believe that no one else should be ashamed to cry right now. What else do you do when your entire world changes in front of you?

In the past week I have tasted every type of tear. Tears of fear, tears of sorrow, tears of panic, tears of relief, tears of heartache, and tears of pride. Every morning I wake up wondering, what has happened to us? Even now, the reality doesn't sink in.

I haven't had a day off since Tuesday, and I hate the world for that. All the grieving I've done, I would have cherished the opportunity to grieve shoulder to shoulder with my fellow friends and Americans, whether at the candlelight vigil, or singing “God Bless America” at the Phillies game.

It started almost instantly. The phone calls. Not so much people calling to make sure everything was all right, but calling just to hear a voice, to be close to someone you wish wasn't hundreds or thousands of miles away.

We wait for time to heal our wounds. Time isn't helping. I've taken to checking CNN's list of photographs of the missing. Maybe I'm checking for names I recognize. Maybe I just want to put a face to the pain. Every time I check, everything changes. This afternoon, there were fifteen names under the letter “E,” this evening there were seven. “A” had an entire screen of names, now there are only six.

If you click on the pictures and names randomly, it starts all over again. Lisa and Samantha Egan. There's little information about them, but they were beautiful sisters, and they're gone now. Were they just visiting? Did one sister get the other sister a job there? Is she now hated for it?

You come across a name. Sara Manley? My God, did I know her? You're convinced she looks familiar. The name definitely rings a bell. You see another name. Sarah Miller. Your heart drops. You click on the
picture only to realize that it's not the Sarah Miller you know, but it's still a picture of a beautiful young woman who is gone now. You think of people who you haven't talked to or heard from. You wonder, what was Jeannie McCabe's married name? Or Sarah Dunn?

I shouldn't say “you.” This is all about me. This is why I can't sleep at nights.

The Red Cross isn't even taking donations for blood anymore. The Children's Hospital Of the University of Pennsylvania prepared itself to accept hundreds of patients. None arrived.

God, there is anger. God, there is fear.

Tonight I talked to a woman who thought on Wednesday that everyone she knew had been accounted for. Now she realizes that a dear friend of hers is still missing.

It starts again. Did this happen? Is this real? It is, every day, more real than we could have ever imagined. It must be so.

The bartender told me, “Eventually, you'll know someone.”

The list of names of the missing grows smaller. The list of survivors found remains nonexistent.

Something must happen. Something must be done. We can't cry this much for no good reason. There is a call for war. But war against whom? Afghanistan? There are few other countries more war-torn than them. The Taliban? Certainly, but to get to them without killing innocents means a ground war, and we may not have the support for that.

Of all times, of all eras. Bush speaks repeatedly of “evildoers.” We are not Superman. The United Nations is not the Justice League.

I spoke of tears of pride. Watching New York recover, I feel pride. Hearing the rescue workers chant “USA,” I felt pride, knowing they sang the National Anthem at baseball games around the country, I felt pride. I would hate to feel that pride disappear if we were to seek out revenge instead of justice. Action must be taken, don't get me wrong, but it must be the right kind of action.

We've all seen the video of what happened. Watch it again. Check the link of names and pictures of the missing. Watch it ebb and flow.

What I'll always remember is the clear blue sky above my head as New York was covered in darkness.

Remember.

Never forget.

- Paul D. 9/18/01

back to top